Parker the Stork
by poestheblackcat
Summary: Written for comment fic, Prompt: Parker walks into the office holding a baby and someone asks her where it came from. Cuteness and humor galore because, hello, the Leverage team with a baby?


Prompt: Leverage, Parker (+ Team or just Eliot), Parker walks into their 'office' holding a baby and someone asks where did it come from...

AN: This is written in dialogue-only format, but it's not a script, so it's allowed on this site...right? Anyway, you're supposed to be able to tell who's talking without me telling you, if you know the show and its characters well enough. That said, if you don't, then I didn't do my job, and Mikafan can give me a grade of 3.2/10 for making everyone out of character.

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><p><strong>Parker, the Stork<strong>

"Where did that baby come from?"

"When a mommy and a daddy love each other very much…"

"No, Parker!"

"But that's what Eliot told me! Did you _lie_?"

"No, I…I didn't lie. That's the, that's _a_ truth. What Sophie meant when she asked you where the baby came from was, where did you get it?"

"Oh. I stole it."

"Oh, brother."

"Where did you steal it from?"

"Why?"

"Because we need to return him, her? Anyway, we need to return it to its parents."

"Maybe he doesn't have parents."

"Parker. Where did you find the baby?"

"At…the park."

"Which one?"

"The one on Elm."

"Was there an adult nearby?"

"Yes."

"Go return the baby to that adult, Parker."

"But _I_ was the adult, Nate. Why did you just snort, Eliot? Did you laugh at me?"

"Uh…"

"Eliot, don't say it. Okay, Parker, was there a parent-like person around the baby?"

"No, he was just crying, and it was loud, and it bothered me that no one cared, so I stole him."

"So he was alone."

"Yes."

"Will someone turn off the screaming baby? It's makin' my head hurt."

"You can't turn off a baby. It's not a toy, or one of your computer thingamajigs."

"Thingamajigs? It's very sensitive equipment."

"Whatever. He's right. Someone do something about the screaming."

"Why is everybody looking at me?"

"You're the only one of us who's had a kid."

"Uh, I don't think…"

"Nate, why don't I handle this? Hm? Parker, sweetie, let me have the baby."

"No!"

"Why not?"

"You're gonna make me put it back!"

"No, I won't."

"That's your con voice."

"Yeah, Soph, that's your con voice."

"Not helping, Eliot. Give me the baby, Parker."

"Fine."

"Uhhh, shhhh, baby, shhhhhh…He's not quieting down! What do I do?"

"Ugh, alla you 're useless. Here, gimme the screaming baby. Jeesh."

"Uh, Eliot…"

"Shhhh, hey there, buddy. Heeeeyyyy. Yeah, I know, I know, buncha no-nuthin' screwbags, right? Alright, how's your diaper? Aww, you're all wet. And look at that! You're no boy, are ya? Prettiest girl I've ever seen. No wonder you're upset, lil' darlin'. Somebody go get some diapers. Now. Heeeyyy, shhhhhh, okay, okay…"

"Eliot's the Baby Whisperer."

"Shhhh...Diapers, now. And baby formula 'cause she's probably hungry. And- "

"I know. Not my first diaper run."

"Okay, then go. Shhhh, okay. How 'bout a bath, huh, darlin'? Bet that'll feel pretty good."

"Do you have a kid we don't know about or somethin'?"

"No, it's just not my first time holdin' a baby, that's all. Oldest of five, got a few nephews and nieces. Oookayyy, honey, shhhhhhh."

"Wow, that's like, she's actually smiling at you. She's smiling, right? That's a lil' baby smile?"

"You're scaring her, Hardison. Shhhhh, pretty girl, shhhhhh…"

"Now I'm jealous, man. Alla women just love you for some damn reason. Why's that? Huh? 'S not fair."

"There's something about a man with a baby that does this _thing_ to women's ovaries everywhere."

"TMI, Sophie. That's just wrong. Man, now even Sophie? Nate's gonna kill ya, E."

"I have ovaries."

"That's nice, Parker."

"What are they supposed to be doing?"

"Girl talk outside the bathroom, where I can't hear it, please. Out. Hey, did you just splash me? Did you just splash me, girlie?"

"Nate's back."

"Okay. Hand me the towel, and pull out the diapers, baby oil, and powder. Hey there, sweetheart. Gonna get you nice and dry, yeah?"

"This okay? Like that?"

"Yeah, that's good. _Bbbppppttthhhhttt!_"

"Did you just blow a raspberry on her belly? People actually do that?"

"Shut up. She likes it. See?"

"Babies are weird."

"You're weird."

"Yeah, so?"

"What happened to girl talk with Sophie?"

"She gave up. I think."

"Right."

"What are you doing?"

"I'm diapering the baby, Parker. What does it look like I'm doing?"

"It looks like you're making funny faces at him."

"Her. And I am. Keeps her happy and quiet. All done."

"Now what are you doing?"

"I'm rocking her."

"Why?"

"To put her to sleep. And she needs quiet, so _shhhh!_"

"Aww, look at that. That's simply adorable."

"And she's out. Somebody put a blanket on the - Oh, thanks, Nate."

"Yeah."

"She's cute."

"Can we keep it?"

"No!"


End file.
